


In Between Misery, There Is Bittersweet Love.

by pinkheichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Divergent Chapter 85, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Post-Canon, Post-Chapter 85, actually it is, bittersweet love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkheichou/pseuds/pinkheichou
Summary: After having turned into a Titan for the first time, Armin encounters Jean again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Major spoilers! Be aware.

_‘What took you so long, you idiot? I was close to giving up, you know.’_

* * *

 

“You are finally awake. And you seem alright.” Levi said in a matter-of-fact tone, one finger curling around the trigger and pressing down to fire up a smoke signal that was shot high in the air.

Armin remained silent, the thoughts of Bertholdt he had just now staying in his mind vividly for a while. It didn't get any better after he was informed what he had done when the serum was injected into him. He had felt really nauseous afterwards, close to throwing up, tearing up, going insane—wishing to be in the arms of one particular person.

He wanted to be comforted by him, even though that person would most certainly be angry with him for Armin came up with a plan that needed his life as sacrifice. Armin remembered how he had been looking so relieved when Armin told him about his gained knowledges about the Colossal Titan and that he had figured out a way to defeat it. Armin had smiled back when he had called him an idiot with that little relieved smile decorating his face, knowing that it was his way to express how much he respected him.

“Eren, Mikasa, Hanji and I are going to Eren's house and examine the basement. Arlert, you’ll stay here with the others and take a rest.” the Captain announced as he already walked away with the three other persons he mentioned just now, Eren looking back at him one last time before he was out of Armin's sight, heading for the thing he wanted to go to the whole time since the day of the fall of Wall Maria.

Armin wound his arms around his own torso, sensing a little cold breeze grazing his naked chest. He was wearing a jacket that someone gave him. It was either Eren or Mikasa’s because both of them weren’t wearing one anymore. Again his friends had been taken care of him more than Armin would ever ask for. Hell, they even disobeyed orders to save him! At least they attempted to… Eren had hugged him just now because Armin was alive. Armin was met with confusion when his best friend embraced him like that, the question why he wasn't burned to death by Bertholdt had been busying him, but subconsciously Armin had hugged him back.

The image of another person popped up in his mind, the image of the person who meant so much to him but at the same time he feared facing him again because Armin didn't know what his reaction would be. After all, his plan had taken ends that he hadn't planned originally. What if he was going to get scolded by him? What if he was going to reproach Armin? Because Armin didn't tell him that his plan had required the sacrifice of his own life.

And before Armin could come up with more possible scenarios, the person he was thinking about the whole time arrived atop of the wall, standing still, his eyes fixated on Armin who sat straight in his provisional made bed, at least six feet separating them.

Armin rose his head and locked eyes with him, his expression not faltering whilst the other suffered from so many different emotions that mirrored in his face. Armin didn't know what to do, what to say, and remained motionless instead as he followed the other male’s movements, steps being taken by him to close the distance.

“Jean.” The only word that could leave Armin’s lips.

Jean. _His boyfriend._

It was at a time like this when Armin thought that having a lover wasn't anything he could enjoy to the fullest. Sometimes there was slight regret that gnawed at his mind for having let Jean become his boyfriend, for having let him become this close to Armin, for having let him love him.

This was war. Love was inconvenient.

Armin was always convinced that love or a relationship would only hinder him to fulfill his duty as a soldier. Love would be in his way and it wouldn't bring anything good to his lover, if he died in the battlefield. It was the same with Hannah and Franz. Sudden death was the biggest threat to a couple and since they were in war against the Titans, death was something that could happen so suddenly.

And yet Armin threw his convictions abroad the instant he decided to become Jean’s boyfriend and accept his confession.

It wasn't solely because love made him blind, no, there was more to it. Armin began to love Jean because he was a person who made him forget about all the cruel things they were inevitably faced with while they were fighting against the Titans. It was Jean he had grown so close to—closer than to anyone else. They had to go through so many things, together, had to fight and see friends dying. Had to kill.

And when some days had been too much for Armin, making him anxious and insecure, it was Jean who spent the nights with him, laying with Armin in bed together, arms wrapped around the small blond’s body that was so fragile at times like these, whispering encouraging and loving words into Armin’s ear before Jean’s lips would cover his ear and cheek and neck and collarbone with feathery kisses, all the while telling Armin in a soothing voice that he was there for him, that they would always stay together and that Jean would save Armin’s life as many times as Armin had done, and even more, and then Jean’s lips would find Armin’s and a kiss would seal his silent promise.

Jean was the reason Armin hadn’t lost his mind completely yet, hadn't gone insane yet. Every day Jean would be his emotional support, making it clear to him that giving up wasn't an option because there was a dream Armin had and Jean knew so well how much that dream meant to Armin. Jean’s dream was to see Armin’s dream become reality. He had fallen for Armin so hard, he couldn’t imagine being torn apart from him.

And yet it had almost occured, Jean had been only a few breaths away from losing his boyfriend. It had been only a matter of seconds and Captain Levi’s decision that had decided over Armin’s fate. Death had almost been successful to separate two lovers who still had a lot to fight and win and suffer—but they wanted to do that together. They wanted to love each other more; Armin wanted to stay by Jean’s side for as long as possible, and Jean wanted to bring pleasant times to Armin’s life, being the reason for his happiness that would appear every now and then between those times of misery and death.

They were soldiers meant to die for the greater good.

Love was a curse.

Armin knew that all along.

But he loved Jean so much.

Right now, Jean was only a few inches away from Armin, the latter having his head tilted back in order to look his boyfriend in the eyes. He had not clue of what to say, words stuck in his throat, mind shut off.

But Jean didn't seem to want to say anything yet. He didn't want to start the conversation when it was Armin who had to explain himself. Jean waited for answers; for explanations, for apologies. That Armin had been really willing to throw his life away to enable humanity an advancement, bringing them one step forward. One step forward to deafeat humanity’s biggest threat.

Loving him was a curse because if everything had gone according to plan, Armin would have left Jean, his boyfriend. Burnt to death.

Silence expanded between the two soldiers and it was now that Armin was eventually able to form coherent words, speaking in a hoarse and weak voice. “Jean, I’m cold.”

That was it. This, and nothing else. No attempts to justify himself. Armin was cold and all he needed right now was Jean’s jacket above the one he was already wearing.

It was obvious that Jean was dissatisfied with Armin’s behaviour, a lack of understanding featuring his facial expression as hands were clenched to fists, trembling in slight anger.

But as fast as the madness had come, as fast did it leave and Jean didn't feel anything else than a sense of care. In a matter of seconds his jacket was taken off and he crouched down to come to eyelevel with Armin, his amber eyes were soft and piercing at the same time as he placed his jacket over Armin’s shoulder with such a gentleness, it was as though he was scared Armin could crumble any second.

Jean’s eyes were glistening in relief, tears so close to burst out. He cupped Armin’s cheeks. “Do you even realize that me calling you an idiot had almost become my last words to you?” he breathed hoarsely, a lump forming in his throat.

The images visited his mind again. That feeling that had stung inside his chest excruciangly when he saw Armin’s burnt body, laying on the rooftop livelessly. He had gone into a freeze, both shock and disbelief having taken over him as his eyes witnessed Eren and Mikasa’s desperate attempts to rescue Armin. If Jean had been in their places instead, he… What would he have done? Reacted exactly the same as Eren and Mikasa? Or would he have lost his belief in any hope and screamed a loud cry because his boyfriend died?

What was for sure, though, was that the first thing that he had done after encountering with Armin’s body was cursing. Jean had cursed and he had regretted—it had been a second time today  he regretted something. He hated himself for not having realized that Armin’s plan had cost his life. He should have known it better.

Actually… Jean knew little to nothing about Armin.

How could he call himself his boyfriend, then?

This was ridiculous.

“Armin”, Another whisper slipping through Jean’s lips as a hand wandered up to the blond’s head, fingers running through silky hair—hair that had been blazed a little while ago.

Armin was silent, a little apologetic smile ghosting around his lips, eyes shining brighter than Jean had ever witnessed before. Those orbs were filled with new life, but at the same time they had something dangerous in them.

Armin wasn't simply Armin anymore.

Something had changed within him, and Jean was very well aware of that.

But no matter how much of a human Armin was – or rather wasn't – anymore, Jean’s love for him wouldn't change.

He would love him even more. He would be grateful up until his death, grateful for having Armin longer than those few months.

“Jean, I…”, Jean didn't expect from him to apologize directly for what he had done, “I had to do this.” And Armin in fact didn't apologize.

Jean gritted his teeth, a sour smile curving up. “I hate you so much for not having told me any of this.” Armin’s face didn't alter, as though he knew that he would be faced with something like this by his boyfriend. “I hate you so much for having left me in the dark with your damn plan, because I love you so much. You fucking hear that? I love you so much, Armin.”

Armin took one of Jean's hands in his, drawing circles on the back with his pointer finger. “Do you really think I wanted to do this? Do you think I wanted to give up my life and leave you behind? Jean, it’s not that I wanted this; I _had_ to.”

“Just shut up already. I don’t want to listen to any of this anymore.” Jean said and the hand that had been on Armin’s face before moved to the back of Armin’s head. The little blond couldn’t even process anything when his lips were pressed on Jean’s.

The tender warmth of Jean collaborated with Armin’s cold skin, two opponents colliding, but together they felt as though they belonged together. Nothing else than those two lips fitting to each other, warm meeting cold; it felt perfect. Special. Unique. Complete.

Temperature mixed with a salty liquid when tears rolled down Jean’s cheeks, grazing the lips that were touching each other, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

At some point, Jean couldn't endure it anymore. His bottom lip quivered and he pulled back, ragged sobs following. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears from falling, but nothing helped. Then his arms were around Armin’s, holding him tight and he hugged his blond boyfriend tightly. So tight as if he was his lifeline. Well…

And then the sobs and cries exploded and went past Jean’s lips uncontrollably. Armin was silent and still, unable to think of what to do. After all he was at fault for Jean’s desperate breakdown.

Jean hadn't cried when he was forced to look at Armin’s previous burnt body in front of him. Neither had he cried when Armin was finally pulled out of his Titan form, all alive and in sound condition. The reason behind it wasn't that Jean didn't feel enough to mourn Armin’s close death. Hell no.

Jean had wanted to stay strong and not lose his sanity. A part to blame was the denial that had edged him to get over it, another part had numbed him, unabling him to realize fully the thing that had almost happened to his boyfriend.

Jean had seen Armin dying on that rooftop, yes.

But he hadn't wanted to believe that. It had seeemd so surreal to him, too surreal, all he had wished for was to wake up from this sick dream that was, in fact, the horrible reality.

And now that he had Armin in his arms again, safe and sound, he was utterly relieved, the tears he had suppressed up until now overwhelmed him, the latter taking over his mind and body. He cried and cried, choking out sobs and holding tighter onto Armin. Unbelievable how Jean had almost lost the person who was his everything. It was now that he figured out that in the world they lived in there was a thin line between death and life, walking side by side throughout the time.

“I’m sorry, Jean.” Armin said, voice broken. His arms lay on his own laps, limp, too weak to wind themselves around Jean’s torso.

Jean didn't reply, drowning in his miserable state of mind instead. The tears wouldn't stop flowing and the sobs wouldn't ebb away. Through sniffles and gulps, he was attempting to tell Armin how much he loved him, but he failed. No words wanted to come out of his mouth.

And so the two lovers stayed like that for a long while, and Jean wanted nothing more than to spend every second with his boyfriend in the future. Wasting time was out of question and from now on he would stay by Armin’s side until Armin would feel annoyed by it, but even then Jean wouldn't back up because he needed Armin beside him.

Love was a curse.

Jean was aware of that by now.

But it didn't matter to him because he loved Armin so much.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to keep the content of this fic as realistic as possible. In my opinion, lovers in the SnK world are doomed. The difference is when exactly couples get separated by death.
> 
> That doesn't mean I wasn't feeling anything when I was writing this because I did! Let me dream and believe Jearmin is possible! You all don't even know how much I love those two dorks together! 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr under the username [pinkheichou](http://www.pinkheichou.tumblr.com)


End file.
